The Need to BREAK FREE

Yes, I’m in desperate need to break free. The only problem? Not knowing where to start.

I want to break free from what is expected from me and JUST BE ME.

I want to break free from the STANDARDS SET BEFORE ME. I’m just a girl not a saint. I try to live the best I can but I’m always prone to fall.

I want to break free from the INSECURITIES that chain me down. I know that I can be more than who I am now. I’m just not brave enough.

I want to break free from the pressures of being what I am. I just want to be WHO I AM.

I want to break free from the need of support. I want to be INDEPENDENT.

I want to break free from the need to please others, I think IT’S ABOUT TIME I LIVE MY OWN LIFE.

There’s a whole big world before me. A whole new journey that’s just waiting for me. It’s about time I ventued out

Hello blog!!!^^

Well, here I am again to either irritate you or please you with my thoughts and writings (it always has to be either of the two)

No, there’s nothing new. It’s just an occasional moment that goes and comes, like a ferris wheel that just keeps going round and round and round. And now, after months of going up and down… I find myself at the same ground, the very spot I left a few months back, only this time with much familiarity and caution.

Yes, I know I’ve been here before. I know I’ve struggled my way out and I know very well that I will be just fine. But still, it hurts and still, I long. But I don’t want to travel down that road again. Though it still hurts (just a little, tiny bit) and though I still long (sometimes), No, I won’t give in. I learned that I’m stronger than that and I’m better off.

So let me comfort myself with these words:

“It’s okay Mimi (me), you’ll be fine. In fact you’re doing just fine..:) I know it hurts a bit, but that’s just momentary weakness, it’ll pass and besides, you’re much stronger than that. Hang in there  for a little while… “

Day 30: The Closing Speech

A program is always consisted of several speeches, an opening speech or welcome speech, the main speech and the closing speech. Today, I write my closing speech, the closing speech for this journey.

I never gave a thought to writing before. Yes, I did have my own personal, secret diary, but I stopped keeping one when my mom intentionally read it all. Well, she did give me a comment that she was impressed with the way I wrote and that I could improve a lot more. However, I was a young, and felt violated by what she did and so I did the classic tearing of the diary, and I threw it away. If I had just known and understood that I could have improved much more, I wouldn’t have stopped writing.

Ever since then, I never wrote regularly. I tried many times, but somehow I never seemed to have been able to keep the same. Until I started this 30 days journey with you all. It has been both exciting and boring at times. I have to be honest, there are times when my mind goes absolutely blank, and I look at the clock and say “I need to blog!” But so far, I have learned a great deal.

There is so much beauty in writing. Our words can be so clear yet so vague at the same time. This is the beauty of words, this is the power of writing.

I have had an amazing journey. Learned quite a few of lessons which I might share with all of you in some days. I might even venture into story writing, something a friend of mine encouraged me to do. I don’t what’s next, but there will surely be a next.

Thank you so much for staying in tune the past 30 days, well, it was just another 30 days.:)

God Bless!!!^.^

29: My Uncharted Territory

Our cell group’s chapel week themed “Uncharted Territories” just ended. And I am overwhelmed by how He worked, not only in the community, but in me personally. God was teaching me to step out of my own comfort zone, my family.

I come from a good family, parents that never failed to give me love, a sister and a brother who never failed to show their support. I honestly cannot imagine life without them.They’re like my backbone, I feel nothing without them.

I write songs but I never sing them out in public. I don’t feel confident singing them in public if my brother or sister is not there to accompany me (they’re both singers and musician too). I got so used to either singing with them or having them accompany me that I hesitate to stand on my own. Well, God put me in a place where I don’t have them near me, where I don’t have the luxury of calling them and asking them to play for me. I don’t even have the luxury of asking my brother to edit my songs (since I’m not a musician).

I was asked to write the theme song for our chapel week, and as you already know, I accepted and wrote one. I felt my nerves shaking even in a small group, a group I met twice a week, in front of faces I met everyday. I was nervous. I had never ever done this before. Thanks to God, it was accepted well. The next challenge for me was to sing it in front of the whole SAIACS community, I would have died of nervousness. My hands were literally shaking, I can’t remember the last time this happened, probably when I was a kid. I was so scared, I didn’t know how people would react to it or what they would say about it, my only prayer was that despite my imperfections and despite the many improvements I still need in composing songs, God would use it to challenge people to step out of their comfort zones. Little did I know, God was challenging me to step out to my comfort zone.

God worked in amazing ways and I can’t help but be in awe of what HE did and what He’s doing. I am overwhelmed seeing the results of holding Him and stepping out. He makes all the difference. Unknowingly, He pushed me out of my comfort zone.

Day 28: Daddy and Me

I sat by my father’s side, in a small wooden coffee table. As he was telling me about the two songs he loved the most, I took a glimpse towards his face, firm yet gentle, old yet wise, tired but peaceful. The I looked down towards the hands that were holding mine, I watched the wrinkled lines “These were the hands that held me as a baby” I thought. He had a tight grip, strong and firm but wrinkled. He then lifted my hand and commented on my black colored nails. “I’d rather have Jesus that colored nails” he sang, I laughed and held his hand tighter. I was afraid to let it go. He then started singing the song I have heard him sing repeatedly growing up “I’d Rather Have Jesus”. Lovingly he looked me in the eye and said, “I’d rather have Jesus more than anything else in the whole world.”

I sat there by his side trying hard to fight back the tears. I knew he was not growing any younger. I knew he had many health complications. I knew he had many tensions regarding work. I knew he was tired. There I was, helpless as I could be, I didn’t know if I should have said something or if it was right for me to just stay quiet. I had no idea.

I know there will come a day when my dad will have to leave me, but I wish that day never comes. It scares me to death to think that one day, my dad and mom will not be around for me anymore. It breaks my heart.

I remember my dad teaching me to swim. I remember him saying that nothing will happen to me while he is standing by my side. I remember him trying his best to eat the bitter cake, my first try at baking when I was 8 or 9. I remember him proudly introducing me “This is my daughter!” I remember him asking me every single time we talk on the phone “My beloved daughter, do you know how much I love you?” I remember waiting for him at the airport and running to his arms the moment I saw him.

Life will be so incomplete without him. I wish I would get more time to spend with him.

Day 27: Choices

Life is about the choices we make. We are the choices we make. Choices are of utmost importance.

What I am today reflects the choice I made many years back. The day I chose to listen to my parents was the day that made me who I am today. The day I chose to follow God is what led to where I am today.

My choice today will decide my tomorrow. If I choose good, I bear good fruit.

I’ve made many choices, choices that were both wise and stupid. But I don’t regret any of it.

The wise choices I have made brought me up. It brought me blessings. It brought me joy and love. The stupid decisions on the other hand did bring me a lot of tears and shame, but it also was a blessing. A blessing in disguise. Those choices made me strong and wiser.

Choices, no matter how big or small matters. Let’s not take them for granted.

 

I wish I could write more, but I’ve been sick. Keep me in your prayers..:)

Day 26: Set Out Into The Unknown

I was asked to write the theme song for this week’s program “Uncharted Territory”. Here it is..:)

Step back and take a breath, yeah

You said, let go and I will do the rest

You said, step out and walk on water with You

Take heart for I am here

You said faith can move mountains

You’ve shown faith crosses seas

Holding on to what You’ve promised

I set out into the unknown

God I have my fears and sorrows

A hesitating heart that tries to falter

From all You’ve called and planned me to be

As You call me Lord I hear You

I stand on a crossroads of uncharted spaces

Clinging on to You

Though the road is dark and cold

I’ll take heart and step into the unknown

Day 25: Happily Ever After Ball

First of all, my sincere apologies that I couldn’t blog yesterday, my server was completely down the whole day. Therefore, today, I have to tell you the story of yesterday.

 

It was the at nineteenth hour of the day when the lights were turner off and the candles were lit. Stars, moons, and hearts were glittering above when 8 beautiful princesses walked down the stairs. The fairies were ready with their programs, ready with their services for these 8 beautiful princesses, it was the Happily Ever After Ball, the final ball of the year. Some tears were shed, some laughs were shared but love was evident. After the program, the music roared and all the ladies shared the dance floor. Screams, laughters, and lots of goofing around were heard and seen, but most of all joy was evident.

This was the farewell we the juniors prepared for our seniors. Our seniors are ladies we truly respect and love with all our hearts. The were an example of godly ladies who loves the Lord with all their hearts and yet knows how to have fun! They prove that following God does not make a person boring..:)

The theme for last night’s party was fairytale. We all wanted out own fairytale and we all have our own, and this month is their end of a chapter in their fairy tales.

Honestly, it was tiring. I felt numb. However, it was worth it. The decoration transformed the hall, it never looked so enchanting and fairy tale like. We all worked hard, I’ve never seen so much unity with the girls in the hall. Sure, there were tensions, but what is life without one?

Over all, we all had fun!

The ball ended with water. In a spilt second I felt water all around me. Girls were running around screaming and laughing, each one holding their own bucket and pots, it was a water fight.

Wet Happily Ever After Ball… it’s unique.

 

Day 23: …

How much stress can a person take all at once? Why do people forget that we’re not superman? That we have no super powers?

I feel broken right now. I’m tired, so tired of everything that’s happening around me. I feel trapped in the busyness of life. Can’t they see that I’ve had enough? Can’t they see that they’re draining the life out of me? I’ve had enough.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I was brave enough to tell them “Stop!”. I wish I could just walk away as I heard nothing. Just because I don’t fight back doesn’t mean I’m a punching bag available for the at all times. Just because they’re bigger and they think they’re smarter doesn’t mean  they can boss me or anyone else around.

I don’t want to hate. I don’t want to be mean. I want to understand and love, but seriously? How much can I take? I can’t sit and try to understand them forever can I? No. I might be silent but I still have a heart.

 

Day 22: The Dark Side of My Mind

She almost jumped off her seat, as if she was ready to throw herself at him, the moment she saw him. He said hi and she turned red. “She’s too obvious” I said to myself. She then turned to her friends and acted as if nothing happened or as if no one saw that split second incident. But I did. I couldn’t take it. I could bear to see her acting so desperate and flirty. “Didn’t she just broke off with her boyfriend?” my mind asked asked again. Honestly, I was disgusted.

He stood up for his chair and walked towards her knowing she would shower him with her attention. To make her feel even more high, he signalled  ” you look beautiful” and his face reflected satisfaction when he saw her go red. He then walked away without a care in the world, as if nothing happened or as if no one saw that split second incident. But I did. I didn’t notice my eyebrows raised when he did that. I left sick and mad.

She sat in the class waiting for him to come. And there he was with all his ego and pride, he walked right up and grabbed the chair beside her. “Why is he showering her with attention?” I asked. I knew that he was not interested at her at all but why does he make her feel that he is? “What a flirt!” commented my mind, again.

They match well I thought. They’re both attention seeks and egoistic. They’ll be a good match.